Okay, so I’m not thrilled with the idea of losing control of my body again.  This wasn’t planned and being pregnant with the twins was… well, completely humiliating.  I was a wreck and so miserable! (though I’m, as always, grateful that I never had any complications that affected the health of my babies or me).  I can’t really remember what my first pregnancy was like (it was less than 4 years ago–I SHOULD remember!) but I know I felt pretty good most of the time.  I remember my hips falling asleep and stinging on a regular basis.  I remember the heartburn.  I remember the back spasms in the middle of the night and the   braxton hicks contractions that went NO WHERE (I was induced at 42 weeks).  So, I’m not looking forward to that.

I’ve been feeling queasy all the time for about the last 5 days.  Not morning, not before or after I eat all the time.  I’m getting kinda good at ignoring it because I never threw up with either of my pregnancies so I feel like the nausea is just the Braxton Hicks of my digestive system–feels like the real thing but ain’t going to push anything out.

I don’t feel pregnant… I mean my boobs are HUGE and sore (I’m still nursing the twins, I wasn’t nursing my son when I got pregnant with them so this is new and uncomfortable), I feel slightly crampy, I have plenty of nausea… but it just doesn’t feel like pregnancy.  When I found out I was pregnant with the twins (before I knew it was twins) I had about four days of euphoria before the horrible nausea and extremem hunger set in.  When I was pregnant with Dean I was super sensitive to smells very early on.  I just cleaned out the fridge (that had been broken for almost 48 hours) and didn’t once feel like I was about to puke, which is impressive for a non-pregnant me!  I’m hungry but not starving and the feeling doesn’t get worse (or better) when I don’t eat.  I kinda just feel sick…

I think I’m having problems accepting I’m pregnant.  Is it possible I really don’t want this baby? It is very bad timing but I really did want a 4th baby.  I don’t know.  I’m worrying about something being wrong because I feel wrong.  Sitting still during the day I mentally probe my lower abdomen for pains localized on one side or another (signs of an ectopic pregnancy which is slightly more likely on the mini-pill which is what I was taking).  Why am I having such trouble accepting that this is real?  Someone with three children once said to me, “I wouldn’t want another, we [meaning me and her] have three healthy children, it’d be like tempting fate to have more.”  It rubbed me the wrong way then but it’s still circulating my head now.  Is this tempting fate?  Will something go wrong?  This is a really bad time for us to be having another child (we’re transitioning into me being a permanent SAHM) and I had just gotten my mind wrapped aroudn the idea of having three big-kids.  I had just gotten myself happy about that fact and excited about what next summer would be like.

If you don’t have twins I’m not sure if what my life has been like this past year will fully connect.  Taking my 3 year-old son to the playground should have been fun, something we did regularly in the beautiful weather… but I couldn’t.  The girls were 9 months old in June and they were crawling everywhere.  As soon as they started crawling they started eating everything.  I couldn’t let them down to play because they would put everything (woodchips, rocks, trash, you name it!) so I either kept them in the stroller (but I didn’t want to go too far away from them so I couldn’t play with Dean up on the playscape), I could wear one and carry the other or I could put both of them up on the playscape and chase them around (and keep my eyes out for any woodchips/rocks up on the playscape, there are plenty!).  Since their birthday in September they’ve been walking and we’ve been able to play outside in the yard much more (though they still eat EVERYTHING including the small rocks along the edge of our neighbors shed and the helicopters from our maple tree) and I’ve been dreaming of next summer when i can let all three of my children up onto the playscapes BY THEMSELVES!  Now next summer will be heavily pregnant and then by the end of June I’ll have a newborn to heft around.  I’ll wear that baby and it’ll be much easier to get up into playscapes with just ONE baby (we’re not even discussing the fact that there could be two) but it’s not quite what I was envisioning.

Now my “golden times” are more than 2 years away.  It’ll be the summer of 2014 before I can let my children all loose on a playscape–Dean will have already finished kindergarten!!!  <sigh>  When I get depressed thinking about that I then think about the idea of waiting 2 years to have another baby.  This way we’ll be getting it “over with” (something I wasn’t fond of saying… though I’m starting to see the benefit) and we’ll be able to enjoy the “golden time” when they’re all preschool to preteen years (I refuse to admit that my children will ever be teenagers!).

I think I’ll just have to wait until my appointments to figure out how I feel about this whole situation.


2 responses to “again…

  1. I actually held my breath trying to read this through to make sure you weren’t pregnant again. And I have to ask why you posted it again now – were you just trying to see if we were paying attention?

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